If you would have asked me, “Where do you think you’ll be after graduation?”, I would have told you that I would be in Atlanta, working on a project (music).
It’s funny how God works, you know.
Here I am 4 months after graduation:
Not in Atlanta.
Not working on a ‘project’.
[My life] took a detour. Nothing permanent. Just for a while. No biggie!
The place I said that I would never return – but to visit – is the place I am now.
…with my mother.
That sounds awful. I know, but you couldn’t understand why I felt this way unless you knew some history. Unfortunately, today’s lesson isn’t in history. (I’ll save that for another post.) Long story short: mom and I didn’t have the best relationship. I wasn’t interested in sharing my thoughts, or what was going on with me to her. So, every time she called, I couldn’t wait to CLICK. End Call. (This was everyday btw; sometimes multiple times a day) My mom is such a sweet person, though. Anyway,
my first month back was T E R R I B L E.
My mother and I have conflicting views on clothes, makeup, jewelry, music, and so it goes. Anytime she saw me with pants on or lips painted, with earrings in or listening to Andy Mineo, she had a PROBLEM. She wouldn’t hold her tongue about how she didn’t raise me this way, etc, etc.
I went from freedom to captivity. I know that’s a bit dramatic, but that’s how I really felt. I was frustrated and depressed. It hit me even harder after the break was over and my dear friend had to return to Tallahassee, leaving me to face my reality without any distractions. I was alone in a familiar, yet unfamiliar place.
Before I graduated I told myself that I would take some time to just focus on my relationship with God and nothing else. So, I was at the point where there was literally nothing in the way of me accomplishing that. No extracurricular activities. No friends to hang out with. No class. Literally nothing. No excuses…
January 14, 2016 was the beginning of this journey to knowing God. I started with the book of Ephesians. I read and digested the passages via writing in a dedicated notebook. I made an effort to do this daily. That, my friend, is when I realized how much God loved me and I longed to love him in return. It wasn’t easy. I realized that I had a surrender issue which is ironic being that my favorite hymn as a child was ‘I Surrender All’. Nonetheless, God has been doing some major surgery. Hurts and pain that I buried deep inside, he brought to surface. Things that I thought I was over.
He needed me isolated and vulnerable. He wanted my undivided attention. He longed to heal my deep, emotional wounds, to shower me with his unfailing love.
But I had a choice.
I could spend time developing as an artist and working on a project, strategically planning its release.
I could put my plans on hold and give all of that time to God for a while.
I chose the latter.
Words cannot express what an amazing journey it has been thus far. My life can’t ever be the same. Am I where I thought I would be? No, I’m in an even better place. I am a graduate student at the University of Miami and I’m still writing [music], but I’m also in a relationship with El Shaddai and I couldn’t be more satisfied. I have days when I am uncertain of what’s next for me or what I should be doing, but I trust Him who created me. He uniquely designed me and has a plan already set out.