Hardship

social misfit

Friends. What are THOSE? Social gatherings. What are THOSE?

According to Google search results,

  • social means related to or designed for activities in which people meet each other for pleasure.
  • misfit means something that does not fit or fits badly.

These past couple of weeks I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I may have been operating under a social misfit mindset. Allow me to explain.

Home. School. Church. This was my life growing up – eventually work became a part of this cycle as I got older. Anytime one of us children would say “my friend…”, my wonderful Haitian parents would say, “Nan ki bagay friend, m’te ye ave-w?” [TRANSLATION: Of what friend stuff was I with you?] In other words, there are no such things as friends. So you can imagine the backlash we would get if we asked to go out with one of those friends or to go to their birthday parties. Eventually, the invitations just stopped coming. We were even told to be careful with kids at our church. We weren’t allowed to talk on the phone unless it was about school work.

That was the foundation of my social life. It became more difficult to be socially normal.I managed to stick with a group of friends in high school because we all pretty much had the same background growing up with Haitian parents. We understood each other and were able to make life a bit less humdrum. Fast forward a bit to college. I was so used to not really going anywhere that I didn’t do much. I joined a fraternity the spring of  my “freshman” year (I was about to be a junior according to my credits) and that wasn’t the most pleasant experience being that I’m socially awkward. I was a part of other organizations as well as a band at one point, but I didn’t really begin to enjoy college life until my last semester. I know. It’s actually really sad, but that was my reality. I found something that I loved doing right and then I had to leave.

I have now been in a period of transition for about 6 months now, and I have finally realized my lack of social interaction. However, my greatest realization as far as this is concerned is how much this has hindered me and will prevent my future success if I don’t do anything about it. The thought of that is intimidating at the least.

I do a crappy job of keeping up with people, and it can be extremely uncomfortable for me to talk to people outside of my comfort zone.

Nonetheless, I have made a decision to be the victor instead of the victim. I have chosen to do whatever I can to overcome this obstacle of social intimidation. Heck, I’m 21 now. Time is ticking. The other thing is: God didn’t create us to be lonely. We were created to be in fellowship with others just as He wants to be in fellowship with us. We don’t exist simply to roam the earth. So, instead of dwelling on the negatives, I’m going to dwell on the positives as those negatives change into positives.

I do genuinely love people and am naturally nurturing. I have the need to express myself and the need to help people. I also love to be in the company of those I love.

All in all, I wrote this to encourage myself and others who face the same difficulty, but I also wrote this to be vulnerable and open about my journey.

#TransparencyBringsAboutIntimacy

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Go ahead, give it your BEST shot…

I am FIRED UP right now.

Why? What’s going on?

The devil is on a mission. [Tell you something you don’t know, right?]

I have been in a period of transition as mentioned in my previous post. So lately I have been really pressed about getting a job. I’ve been fighting feelings of frustration and confusion; feelings of incompetence and shame. Just fear.

Frustrated because of my confusion; confused because I know that it isn’t God’s Will for man to not work, and He has a job for me already. (He told my mom this before I graduated and spoke to me right before Easter) Feelings of incompetence because [being that I’m still a month shy of legal age] I feel I lack experience for someone who has a Bachelor’s degree. My tenure in undergrad consisted of just extracurricular activities and classes. I completed my program 3 semesters before time, so because I planned to work full-time on my music after graduation [with no intentions of attending grad school or really working for that matter] I didn’t really think about internships. Sometimes I think that maybe I should have used the remainder of my 3 semesters interning and traveling to gain new experiences. Nonetheless, I am where I am and God knew my path before I took a step. Naturally, shame attempts to rear its ugly head.

According to 2 Timothy  1:7, God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and a sound mind. This means that frustration, confusion, feelings of incompetence, and shame are NOT of God. So, I have to fight them off because that’s just the enemy trying to discourage me.

Ephesians 6:12 (NLT)
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but  against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

In the words of Mali Music:

I’m on an airplane
And the destination of this flight is to the other side
Guess I have to go there
Guess I have to come here yeah
I know where I’m from but now
I’m headed where I’m going right

But there are powers, in the air, you can’t see them
And they have rockets and machine guns
And they’re firing on my plane

But I say fire, fire oh
Ready, aim, fire, you can’t shoot me down, no
Fffff fire! Fire
Ready, aim, fire, you can’t stop me now, no

THEY ARE FIRING ON MY PLANE. Literally. It’s ridiculous. I recently got into my 6th car accident amongst other shots taken at not only me, but my family alike. Yes, 6… that is not a typo. I’ve never been at fault, so there’s that.

I’ve written all of this to say, FIRE devil, FIRE. Give it your best shot. I know that God is FOR me and greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world. I’m going to remain focused on God. I refuse to stay stuck on the enemy’s stupidity. What is for me will be for me. There is absolutely no maneuver of any evil forces and spirits that can overcome me.

BTW, I have an opportunity on the table for me to begin working… God is working all things for my good and I will trust Him.

Lord, thank you…

I was scrolling down my news feed on Facebook and came across a meme. The meme read, “If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies, then you’re going the right way.” I don’t even play video games, but as soon as I read that, it spoke to my spirit.

On Friday, December 11, 2015, I graduated from Florida Agricultural and Mechanical University with a Bachelors of Science in Music Industry. For those of you who may not understand what my studies were about, allow me to clarify. I studied music and the business of music. I am a student of the Music Industry. [SN: I know that in my Haitian culture unless you study to be a doctor, lawyer, nurse or something along those lines then your degree isn’t really worth anything. Despite this, I strongly believe that God has given me talents in the areas of Music & Business. Because of this, I am not worried about the future.] I acquired this degree in 2 1/2 years when it takes 4 years to complete. I also graduated as the top Honors student of all of my fellow music colleagues.

The course to this accomplishment was strenuous and difficult. Along the way I encountered roommates who were out to get me and peers who despised my mere existence. I encountered limiting financial situations and moral dilemma. I experienced mental, physical and emotional fatigue. I identified a void within me caused by the absence of feeling secure in the love of my earthly father. I was fighting a serious spiritual war within that I had yet to recognize. Though very short, my undergraduate collegiate tenure possessed a plethora of hardships.

“If you’re under attack, it’s because your blessing is close. Thieves only come to loaded vaults. Stay encouraged.” I saw this post on Instagram and immediately tagged a dear friend of mine, so that she too could read it. She has witnessed some of the hardships I speak of and understood the magnitude of this post. In spite of it all, God allowed this time of my life to birth the most important actualization in my life. Spiritual breakthrough took place. A relationship with Jesus was conceived. A true desire to get to know who he is soon overcame. I had the privilege of experiencing a taste of peace from God. I grew up in the church and always heard of people speak of the peace God gave them. A peace that they couldn’t find elsewhere. I not only felt that peace, I lived it. My faith grew exponentially. A baby was born. That baby is called Conviction. My conviction to live for God was born, and just as babies grow into toddlers who in turn grow into adolescents and so forth, my conviction is growing. I must be sure to feed it spiritual nutrition and stay true to my King.