Deep breaths and long exhalation is all I could do to prevent obnoxious sobs from escaping my body. The tears flowed and flowed. Once one wave passed another followed soon after. “Keep your self together,” is what my mind diligently urged me to do, but my heart was broken; shattered in pieces. My joy for those girls was explosive, but so was my burdened heart.
Why couldn’t that be my father and I?
Why hasn’t he changed yet?
What is taking him so long?
How much longer will it be before he is finally aware of the tragedy: his life he destroyed?
Will he ever change?
Although Father’s Day was never celebrated in our household growing up, the emotional pain of being reminded of the father I should have, the loving father that should’ve been present for the past 9 years is inexplicable. It’s so easy to drown in a sea of anguish, feeling alone because everywhere you turn are present fathers. Present. Not perfect, but nonetheless present.
Could you imagine my efforts to escape the agony originally triggered by a Father’s Day celebration at church by going to a restaurant by myself only to be surrounded by families with fathers? Took a trip to the nail salon only to watch a father come in with his daughter and niece to get mani-pedis together? At least the brow place was free of reminders.
Nevertheless, I am grateful for a mother who stuck by the side of her children regardless of the countless opportunities presented to her to escape. A strong woman who had to add on the duties and responsibilities of her estranged husband to her overwhelming job as mommy to 4 children, daughter to her elderly mother, and sister to her blind sister. My mother is an amazing woman, and though I desperately wish my father could be different, that can never negate the superwoman my mother is.
Even though you’ll probably never read this:
I love you, dad. I forgive you for everything that has happened. The time you were around you did what you knew how having being fatherless yourself. Though things may never be the same, I love you until my dying day. God has been my father no doubt, even before your absence. I pray you experience His unconditional love poured out for you that can change you and I. I pray that you wholeheartedly forgive me and the family for however wronged you felt.
Your little girl always.